Saturday, March 8, 2014

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

I came upon this video that I have been replying over and over. I found it randomly through a blogger that I’m feeling at the moment. It was what I needed to get me back to this: WRITING. This is a topic that I know all too well!!! This is a topic that I have been wanting to address for SO LONG, but somehow haven’t had the courage to do so…till now!

Body Image.

…I still don’t know where to start… 

#writersblock #feelingexposed

I should start off by saying that yes, I do know that I am a beautiful woman. The older I get the more beautiful I feel. But regardless of how beautiful I feel and how beautiful I am told that I am, the issue of body image is something I can relate to…it is something I am sure that the majority of women can relate to. I have days when a bad hair day can fuck up the entire day. I have days where nothing I wear looks good. And yes, I have days where I wonder if being skinnier would make me feel better.  I live with myself 24-fucking-7 and I do wonder if it is possible that I could be more beautiful.

This video spoke to me because I could be part of that table discussion. I could share my moments where I did not feel so beautiful and at the same time I could share those moments where I felt so beautiful it was pure magic!

I am a sensitive woman. I am an emotional woman. I am a passionate woman. I am a wild woman. I am a beautiful free spirited woman. I tell myself these things all the time, but the one thing I have really never told myself is that…I have a beautiful body.

Body Image…it can fuck with your head!!!

In order to be honest I have to be willing to expose myself…that in turn can make me feel vulnerable. Feeling vulnerable is something that is hard for me to do, it’s a constant work in progress…but I am a constant work in progress!!


There were key questions in the video that were asked, questions that I have taken upon myself to answer…100% honestly answer…


It is a constant up and down struggle for me to feel beautiful…


...especially because part of me always wants to feel accepted.

My body has changed so much from when I first started to become “womanly”. And I know that my body will continue to change as I age. Being pretty has always been reassured to me, either by parents, my friends, the men in my life, and the occasional random stranger. But most importantly…by ME.

{Have you ever had a random person come up to you and tell you that you are beautiful? It feels pretty fucking awesome!!!}

So, is my body the size where I want it to be? Honestly, no…I could stand to “shed” and “tone”. BUT does that fact keep me from knowing my own beauty and constantly learning to embrace my perfect imperfections? FUCK NO boo-boo!!!!! I take pride in myself; I take care of my mind, body, and soul. I have NEVER looked at myself in the mirror and felt UGLY, I have never used the word UGLY to describe anything about myself. I am proud of that fact because so many women use that word to tear themselves apart. Sad. Confidence is something I have had since I can remember. It is what makes me strong and passionate. I may never reach single digit clothing size but at age 34 and a size 18, I am pretty ok with that because I feel that who I am as a WHOLE is what makes me a unique type of beautiful.  #nobasicfemalehere


At 14/15 years of age. 1994 was a huge year for me. Not only was this pretty girl celebrating her Quinceañera {sweet 15 you non Latino people} but this was the year that I discovered intense emotions known as L.O.V.E…in other words, this was the year I was fucking corrupted!!!!!

A Quinceañera is a right of passage for a young latin female, she is suppose to remain “pure” up until that 15th birthday. That is exactly how shit went down with me!

His name was Cesar and he turned my world upside down {I should admit that I have a "bad boy" complex that I will elaborate further on...} I’m talking about my first EVERYTHING happened with him. I was so into this kid that it made me blind to a lot of things.

{Seriously, discovering love at that young age is something I don’t recommend…that shit ain’t for the faint of heart…it will FUCK YOU UP!!!!...i’m better now of course}

It was with him the first time I felt that I was not good enough. It was the first time that I felt insecure about my body. As much as I was there for him, as much as I catered to him; I just could not get him to like me…the way he ended up liking my cousin…and later on my best friend. He made me question the way I looked. He made me wonder if he could possibly like me more if I was as skinny as my cousin or had bigger boobs like my best friend.

It’s a story that spans over 10 years of good times and bad times; it was a true journey of young discovery. And it really did start with that day in April 1994.

Don’t worry…it has a happy ending!! 

#iWIN #winner #iamcuterthanyou


…when I’m being kissed deeply
…when I wear red lipstick
…when my lover looks me in the eyes
…when I have a good fucking hair day!!!!!
…when my dad tells me that he loves me, kisses me like I am still that 4 year old girl
…when my mom talks proudly about the woman I’ve become
…when my brother and I spend time together
…when I have my girl-dates and we talk shit over good food and cheap good wine

And most importantly…when I look at myself in the mirror {or in the camera #selfie} and smile. I smile because I have come a long way. A long way from a childhood that was a little tainted. An adolescence that was corrupted. A beginning adulthood that was complicated and consumed with accomplishments, self discovery, self debauchery, vices, failed relationships, disillusion, but ultimately growth.

I have learned that I feel the most beautiful when I am happy. It radiates in my eyes, my smile, my strut, and my words. Everyday I am learning to love what I see in the mirror; when I am wearing my favorite whatever, when my eyeliner is perfectly drawn, when I have no makeup on, and even when I am naked. I am on a journey to constantly discover myself. But one thing I was born with is…the growing knowledge that I am a beautiful girl.

#superwoman #iambeautiful #iamYenifer

When do you feel the most beautiful?

I want to end with this poem that will forever remain in my heart. The words that she speaks could very well be my own. Here’s to more women like us. And to any woman that feels that she is not beautiful enough, just remember:


When I am feeling disconnected from a crowd of people I’m standing in front of
When they are staring at me but nothing about the interaction feels of love or understanding
Not fun or joy
I ask them to repeat after me
“I am beautiful”
And some are more reluctant than others
I am beautiful should be a given
Should be a place we begin from
A foundation we are born into
but sometimes messages get delivered like the post
From a stranger always having a bad day
A body should not beg for acceptance
We walk around in these bodies
These protective suits for our tender souls
We walk around looking like tattered undelivered apology notes
My flesh is exactly as I need it to be to keep my spirit intact
But I have been roaming these streets thinking I understood the concept of beauty as it relates to me
I am beautiful If only I was less or more
If I weighed less these shallow fools would want to know me
I’ve been hiding behind clothes trying to camouflage
When myself and comfortable is all I’ve ever wanted to be
But sometimes
Comfortable is as lasting as a love I lost long ago
She said
“You have a beautiful body”
I could not comprehend the words
It was the first time in my entire life I had ever heard these words placed together and directed at me
When im confused I take big ideas and break them into smaller pieces
Make them tiny enough to fit my world into
You have a beautiful body

Meaning me
Meaning Natalie Patterson
Daughter of joe frank and lynne
Meaning mid west American black girl
With skin and eyes light enough to confuse her own kind
Meaning my own kind don’t recognize me
You have a beautiful body

HAVE implies ownership
meaning I Natalie Patterson own something I never paid for
meaning somethings are free
meaning I didn’t earn it so I don’t know the value of it
Might abuse or take it for granted
You have a beautiful body

A meaning one
Meaning I Natalie Patterson own a single thing
One irreplaceable thing that does indeed die
You have a beautiful body

BEAUTIFUL meaning pleasing or satisfying
Meaning I am appealing and desirable
Didn’t know that
Have always been pretty with a “but If you only” attached
Never been just beautiful
Stated as fact
You have a beautiful body

BODY meaning physical structure
A place the spirit is held in
And i have never held even my lovers long enough to be good at it
You have a beautiful body

I will repeat these words until I am no longer reluctant
Until these words are a given
Until they are no longer foreign in my mouth
I will repeat these words
I have a beautiful body
I have a beautiful body
I have a beautiful body

Until ownership becomes a privilege
Until this skin becomes a perfect home
Weathered and worn over time
A perfect home
Whose walls I know well
Whose stair case
And old floors creak my favorite song
I am my own favorite song that I am just now learning all the words to
But I wanna sing you
Sing you til the song sticks
I have a beautiful body period.

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