...so it seems that youtube was never a platform that I thought about when I first started this blog. But lately i've been thinking that it's not a total bad idea...what could go wrong with creating youtube videos, right? {except that I can totally end up saying way too much shit}
This blog is a reflection of me and ultimately, the videos I create will be a reflection of me {crazy, loud, unconventional}...so I begin the "vlogging" adventure with this video, it's a beginner video but I think that I did pretty fucking good for this being my first time using iMovie to edit!!!! This will be my video journal...I will share thought, ideas, hauls, tutorials {maybe...}, advise, free-talk...and anything I come up with. For right now it's exciting to think about the endless possibilities. And I love endless possibilities.
My obsession with kissing started when I was 14. It started
with my very first kiss; that kiss sealed my fate, and that fate was that from
that moment on kissing would be my thing! The thing that has the potential to
make me feel like I am floating on air; it makes me feel like my blood rushes
throughout my body at lightning speed, making my heart beat faster and faster.
One small physical act between two people can stop the world in its track. My
first kiss was that impactful. {I think that is labeled as having the “Butterflies”} This video made me realize that we all start off as strangers. There is this chemistry that happens when two chosen individuals make eye contact, a chemistry that is not meant to happen with every man or woman that crosses your path. That chemistry lets you know, almost instantly, if kissing this person is something you desire. I am a passionate woman and kissing is an art form for me, it is something I “feen” for; in other words, it is something a desire habitually…just not from everyone. As good as sex can be, it can hail in comparison to a deep passionate kiss…that shit is the Holy Grail!! Sex begins and ends with a kiss, everything in between is just an effect from that kiss.
{The cause} There were two or three couples in this video that I felt
had that intense vibe…that chemistry, and even though they were strangers, the
moment their lips met they became intertwined. That first kiss has the power to
let you know the impact a person will have in your life. Intense and dramatic…I know. But the reason I know this is
because…I fucking KNOW that feeling all too well!! In my world, if you have
left a mark {or scar} it all began with that fucking first kiss! {Word} {I should say that
NOTHING turns me off more than a bad kisser…I don’t care if you are “Mandingo”
or “Adonis”…if you can’t kiss me the way I know I can kiss you, then all I have
to say is #BYEFELICIA} Aside from my very
first kiss when I was 14, there have been a handful {maybe not even a handful}
of first kisses that still linger in my taste buds…I can tease you with a
little snippet of one of these stories… I met this guy once upon a time {I know!!!!} and from our
first initial eye contact {no fucking lie} I was smitten…this dude tickled my
fancy, to the point where I felt like a silly little girl crushing on the boy
from the playground. The chemistry between us could have powered that entire
place. From that moment on desire was evident, the kisses, insatiable. Every
kiss was treated as the possible last kiss we could have because…life happens,
shit happens…so I took it upon myself to make sure that he would never forget
that moment in time...that this dude would not forget my name! I would hold on
so tightly, like a predator holding on to its prey…losing consciousness because
we wouldn’t come up for air. It felt like time stood still and he & I were
the only things that mattered, everything else was irrelevant…at least for
those moments in time. It was during those moments that I swore we were
infinite. {I fucking know
right!!!...because remember, kissing is my thing! And I was blessed with admirable
lips! LOL} I can still trace the outline of his lips. And I can bet a
slice of strawberry cheesecake that this dude still remembers mine. {Because I love
strawberry cheesecake} You would think that something that began with “Once upon a
time” would eventually end with “Happily ever after”…what can I say, life is
real, and real ain’t no fairy tale! {Ain’t that a bitch sometimes?} That story may still be being written up…and I have NO FUCKING clue
how it will end. That is my life and its complexities!!!!
{Maybe none of that shit ever happened and I imagined it
all…and I really am a tad bit LOCA…Fuck NO! Those really were moments in my
life!!!!!} My whole point of this little snippet of story is to allow
you to comprehend how important, intense, erotic, insatiable a kiss can be. It’s
not just a physical act; it has the power to be a mental, spiritual, emotional
act…but a rarity that won’t occur with just anyone at anytime. If you pay
attention to the video you can see that intensity with a few of the couples. {If he & I would have been those participating
strangers, we would have made everyone look like fucking amateurs!!!...because
remember, kissing is my THANG!!!} Has anyone ever made you feel that way? "Bésame como si nada importara, como si nada
existiera, como si solo fuéramos tu y yo y nadie más, como si fuera la última
ves que nos fuéramos a besar..."
I came upon this video that I have been replying over and
over. I found it randomly through a blogger that I’m feeling at the moment. It
was what I needed to get me back to this: WRITING. This is a topic that I know
all too well!!! This is a topic that I have been wanting to address for SO
LONG, but somehow haven’t had the courage to do so…till now!
Body Image.
…I still don’t know where to start…
#writersblock
#feelingexposed
I should start off by saying that yes, I do know that I am a
beautiful woman. The older I get the more beautiful I feel. But regardless of
how beautiful I feel and how beautiful I am told that I am, the issue of body
image is something I can relate to…it is something I am sure that the majority
of women can relate to. I have days when a bad hair day can fuck up the entire
day. I have days where nothing I wear looks good. And yes, I have days where I
wonder if being skinnier would make me feel better.I live with myself 24-fucking-7 and I do
wonder if it is possible that I could be more beautiful.
This video spoke to me because I could be part of that table
discussion. I could share my moments where I did not feel so beautiful and at
the same time I could share those moments where I felt so beautiful it was pure
magic!
I am a sensitive woman. I am an emotional woman. I am a
passionate woman. I am a wild woman. I am a beautiful free spirited woman. I tell myself
these things all the time, but the one thing I have really never told myself is
that…I have a beautiful body.
Body Image…it can fuck with your head!!!
In order to be honest I have to be willing to expose myself…that
in turn can make me feel vulnerable. Feeling vulnerable is something that is
hard for me to do, it’s a constant work in progress…but I am a constant work in
progress!!
#exposingmyself
There were key questions in the video that were asked,
questions that I have taken upon myself to answer…100% honestly answer…
IS MY BODY SIZE WHERE I WANT IT TO BE
It is a constant up and down struggle for me to feel
beautiful…
NAKED.
...especially because part of me always wants to feel accepted.
My body has changed so much from when I first started to
become “womanly”. And I know that my body will continue to change as I age.
Being pretty has always been reassured to me, either by parents, my friends,
the men in my life, and the occasional random stranger. But most importantly…by
ME.
{Have you ever had a random person come up to you and tell
you that you are beautiful? It feels pretty fucking awesome!!!}
So, is my body the size where I want it to be? Honestly,
no…I could stand to “shed” and “tone”. BUT does that fact keep me from knowing my
own beauty and constantly learning to embrace my perfect imperfections? FUCK NO
boo-boo!!!!! I take pride in myself; I take care of my mind, body, and soul. I
have NEVER looked at myself in the mirror and felt UGLY, I have never used the
word UGLY to describe anything about myself. I am proud of that fact because so
many women use that word to tear themselves apart. Sad. Confidence is something
I have had since I can remember. It is what makes me strong and passionate. I
may never reach single digit clothing size but at age 34 and a size 18, I am
pretty ok with that because I feel that who I am as a WHOLE is what makes me a
unique type of beautiful.#nobasicfemalehere
THE FIRST TIME I FELT NOT GOOD ENOUGH WAS
At 14/15 years of age. 1994 was a huge year for me. Not only
was this pretty girl celebrating her Quinceañera {sweet 15 you non Latino
people} but this was the year that I discovered intense emotions known as
L.O.V.E…in other words, this was the year I was fucking corrupted!!!!!
A Quinceañera is a right of passage for a young latin female,
she is suppose to remain “pure” up until that 15th birthday. That is
exactly how shit went down with me!
His name was Cesar and he turned my world upside down {I should admit that I have a "bad boy" complex that I will elaborate further on...} I’m
talking about my first EVERYTHING happened with him. I was so into this kid
that it made me blind to a lot of things.
{Seriously, discovering love at that young age is something
I don’t recommend…that shit ain’t for the faint of heart…it will FUCK YOU
UP!!!!...i’m better now of course}
It was with him the first time I felt that I was not good
enough. It was the first time that I felt insecure about my body. As much as I
was there for him, as much as I catered to him; I just could not get him to
like me…the way he ended up liking my cousin…and later on my best friend. He
made me question the way I looked. He made me wonder if he could possibly like me more
if I was as skinny as my cousin or had bigger boobs like my best friend.
It’s a story that spans over 10 years of good times and bad
times; it was a true journey of young discovery. And it really did start with
that day in April 1994.
Don’t worry…it has a happy ending!!
#iWIN #winner
#iamcuterthanyou
I FEEL THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
…when I’m being kissed deeply
…when I wear red lipstick
…when my lover looks me in the eyes
…when I have a good fucking hair day!!!!!
…when my dad tells me that he loves me, kisses me like I am
still that 4 year old girl
…when my mom talks proudly about the woman I’ve become
…when my brother and I spend time together
…when I have my girl-dates and we talk shit over good food
and cheap good wine
And most importantly…when I look at myself in the mirror {or
in the camera #selfie} and smile. I smile because I have come a long way. A
long way from a childhood that was a little tainted. An adolescence that was
corrupted. A beginning adulthood that was complicated and consumed with accomplishments,
self discovery, self debauchery, vices, failed relationships, disillusion, but
ultimately growth.
I have learned that I feel the most beautiful when I am
happy. It radiates in my eyes, my smile, my strut, and my words. Everyday I am
learning to love what I see in the mirror; when I am wearing my favorite
whatever, when my eyeliner is perfectly drawn, when I have no makeup on, and
even when I am naked. I am on a journey to constantly discover myself. But one
thing I was born with is…the growing knowledge that I am a beautiful girl.
#superwoman #iambeautiful #iamYenifer
When do you feel the most beautiful?
I want to end with this poem that will forever remain in my
heart. The words that she speaks could very well be my own. Here’s to more
women like us. And to any woman that feels that she is not beautiful enough,
just remember:
COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY.
Sometimes When I am feeling disconnected from a crowd of people I’m standing in front of When they are staring at me but nothing about the interaction feels of love or understanding Not fun or joy I ask them to repeat after me “I am beautiful” And some are more reluctant than others
I am beautiful should be a given Should be a place we begin from A foundation we are born into but sometimes messages get delivered like the post From a stranger always having a bad day
A body should not beg for acceptance
We walk around in these bodies These protective suits for our tender souls We walk around looking like tattered undelivered apology notes My flesh is exactly as I need it to be to keep my spirit intact Shiny But I have been roaming these streets thinking I understood the concept of beauty as it relates to me Thinking I am beautiful If only I was less or more Thinking If I weighed less these shallow fools would want to know me I’ve been hiding behind clothes trying to camouflage When myself and comfortable is all I’ve ever wanted to be But sometimes Comfortable is as lasting as a love I lost long ago
She said “You have a beautiful body”
I could not comprehend the words It was the first time in my entire life I had ever heard these words placed together and directed at me When im confused I take big ideas and break them into smaller pieces Make them tiny enough to fit my world into
You have a beautiful body
YOU Meaning me Meaning Natalie Patterson Daughter of joe frank and lynne Meaning mid west American black girl With skin and eyes light enough to confuse her own kind Meaning my own kind don’t recognize me
You have a beautiful body
HAVE implies ownership meaning I Natalie Patterson own something I never paid for meaning somethings are free meaning I didn’t earn it so I don’t know the value of it Might abuse or take it for granted
You have a beautiful body
A meaning one Meaning I Natalie Patterson own a single thing One irreplaceable thing that does indeed die
You have a beautiful body
BEAUTIFUL meaning pleasing or satisfying Meaning I am appealing and desirable Didn’t know that Have always been pretty with a “but If you only” attached Never been just beautiful Stated as fact
You have a beautiful body
BODY meaning physical structure A place the spirit is held in And i have never held even my lovers long enough to be good at it
You have a beautiful body
I will repeat these words until I am no longer reluctant Until these words are a given Until they are no longer foreign in my mouth I will repeat these words I have a beautiful body I have a beautiful body I have a beautiful body Until ownership becomes a privilege Until this skin becomes a perfect home Weathered and worn over time A perfect home Whose walls I know well Whose stair case And old floors creak my favorite song I am my own favorite song that I am just now learning all the words to But I wanna sing you Sing you til the song sticks
